Asexual Guide to Sex

For when “I don’t feel it like that” doesn’t mean “I don’t want it at all.”

You can be asexual and want sex.

You can be asexual and hate sex.

You can be somewhere between “meh” and “okay, maybe… under these five conditions.”

All of this is totally valid. What no one tells you, at least not without sounding condescending, is that sex isn’t one thing. It’s not a single experience you either want or don’t. It’s thousands of micro-decisions, pressures, pleasures, negotiations, and meanings. You’re allowed to want your own version of it, none at all, or just a very quiet, very specific corner of it.

First: You Don’t Need a Libido to Want Intimacy

Let’s dismantle the idea that successful sex equates to: spontaneous horniness + genitals + penetration + moaning. That model fails everybody, not just asexual people.

Some people enjoy physical closeness but not sexual tension.

Some crave orgasms but not naked bodies.

Some want to kiss, cuddle, smell skin, but feel zero drive toward anything “explicit.”

You might feel:

• Sensory curiosity without arousal

• Interest in pleasing someone else, but no interest in being touched

• Turned on mentally, but not physically

• Fine with masturbating alone, but awkward with partnered stuff

None of those cancel out your asexuality. They just describe your map because sex isn’t a goalpost, instead it’s a landscape.

If You Want to Try Sex: You Get to Decide the Terms

Want to have sex because you're curious? In love? Want to share something physical, even if you don't feel attraction?

Cool, here's how to make it yours:

🗣 Say what you actually mean.

Not “I’m not really into sex.”

Try: “I’m not sexually attracted to people, but I still want closeness and physical connection.”

Or: “I’m open to sexual activity, but I need to go slowly, and I may not enjoy all parts of it.”

It’s about getting what you need without being misread.

♻️Decide what sex means for you.

Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration, orgasm, nudity, or even touch.

You can have:

• Fully clothed kink

• Mutual masturbation with no contact

• Erotic storytelling

• Giving without receiving

• Positions that aren’t “standard” but feel right to you

Anything you do with sexual intent counts, if you say it does. No hierarchy or shame needs to be associated with it.

📍Start where you are, not where you “should” be.

• If you’re turned off by the idea of genitals but curious about bodies, explore sensory tools: feathers, massage oil, temperature play.

• If you like closeness but panic when it gets sexual, create boundaries like: “Clothes stay on,” “No genital touch,” or “Let’s pause if I zone out.”

• A partner worth your time won’t treat your preferences like restrictions. They’ll treat them like a roadmap.

If You Don’t Want Sex: You Can Still Crave Intimacy

There are hundreds of ways to love someone without putting your bodies together like puzzle pieces. Being asexual doesn’t make you less romantic, less loving, or less available for connection. In fact, many asexual people build some of the most intentional, emotionally rich relationships out there because everything’s on purpose.

Not interested in sex? That’s not a barrier, it's just clarity.

✨You can:

• Explore toys solo, if you want stimulation

• Snuggle with your partner in silence, no pressure

• Make kinks emotional or aesthetic

• Use porn as a curiosity tool, not a requirement

There’s no “wrong” way to relate to sex unless you’re forcing yourself to perform something you don’t want.

Toys, Tools, and Options for Asexual People

Sex toys aren’t just about orgasming, they can help you explore your body with control, consent, and no timeline. You set the pace, and decide what counts.

✨ Try These:

• Vibrating wands: Can be used externally, over clothes, with or without arousal

• Cupping massagers : Great for sensation play with zero erotic pressure

• Plush bondage gear: For kink curious users without intensity

• Sensory kits: Feathers, blindfolds, textured gloves, gentle, safe, and exploratory

• Insertable toys with handles: If you want control or to try penetration solo

You don’t have to want orgasms nor get turned on. You’re allowed to just try things because you’re curious, bored, a little skeptical or emotionally ready.

All of those are enough.

You’re Not Confusing. You’re Just Honest.

Being asexual in a world that equates love with sex is exhausting. But you’re not wrong. You’re not broken. You’re not “missing out.”

What you are is tuned into your body. You’re telling the truth, even if people don’t know how to hear it yet.

There’s power in saying, “This is how I love, connect, and here is what I want.”

Want to keep exploring?

You’re always welcome to dig deeper in the ToyChats blog, no pressure, no judgment, just real stories, smart tools, and sex-positive honesty.

Whether your version of intimacy is cuddles, kinks, communication, solo discovery, or none of the above, you’re not alone.

And you never have to pretend to be someone you’re not just to be loved.

You're already enough.