F*ck the Script: How to Live Your Best Queer Sex Life

If you’ve lived on Earth for more than five minutes, you’ve probably noticed that sex is represented in a very specific way: heterosexual and PIV (penis in vagina). In movies, we rarely see sex between anyone but a conventionally attractive woman and man. If we were lucky enough to get sex ed in school, our teachers only talked about PIV sex (and more than likely just told you not to do it). Unless we find the information ourselves, most of us are left without a drop of education on safe and healthy queer sex. I don’t know about you, but I am thirsty for that knowledge!

The idea that sex must consist of certain activities is called “sexual scripts.” These scripts discourage sexual exploration for people of all genders and sexualities, but especially affect the LGBTQ+ community. When you are told that the only “correct” way to have sex is anatomically impossible for you, it’s going to negatively influence the way you view your sexuality.

There are a few ways that a narrow definition of sex can harm queer relationships. Most obvious is the lack of information. Learning about condoms and birth control is great, but what about safer oral sex? How about preventing injuries during anal sex? I’ve certainly never heard mainstream media or school sex ed discuss sex toys or BDSM safety.

Heterosexual-centered scripts also creep into queer culture. The assumption that there has to be a “top” and a “bottom” in a gay couple or that all lesbians have sex with a strap-on are both rooted in heterosexual norms. When sexual scripts have been hammered into our heads our entire lives, it can be difficult to step outside the box. This means queer people may try to conform to heterosexual standards, usually unconsciously.

What’s more, the focus on heterosexual PIV sex leads to worse sexual communication. When we assume there’s only one way to bang, we are left without the language to fully communicate how we want to do it. Asking, “Do you want to have sex?” is not specific enough. Are you having oral, anal, or vaginal sex? What are you using to stay safe? What are your boundaries? Again, while this affects anyone who wants to explore their sexuality, it hits queer people particularly hard.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though! You can break free from the sexual scripts you’ve been fed by society and explore new sexual experiences. Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Learn as much as you can about queer sex. There are tons of LGBTQ+ inclusive books out there on sexual safety and pleasure. A few to get you started: Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon, The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides, and Trans Sex by Kelvin Sparks.

• Make a yes/no/maybe list. Draw three columns labeled yes, no, and maybe, and think of as many sex acts as you can. Put them in the appropriate columns, then compare yours with your partner’s. Can’t think of enough ideas? Try this pre-written one from Babeland.

• Get to know your kinky side. Did you know that up to 65% of the people have kinky fantasies? Consider what fantasies get you hot and bothered, and talk to your partner about ways you can (safely) make them happen IRL.

• Be playful! Sex can be silly, experimental, and exploratory. Play around with sensations. Going out on a limb may sometimes mean having sex that’s kind of mid, but more often, it’ll help you learn something new about your own sexual pleasure.

• For the love of god, masturbate. I don’t mean a five minute lie-down with your Hitachi to get the job done. I mean romancing yourself, touching different parts of your body, and learning what feels good for you.

There’s a good chance that before reading this, you hadn’t thought about how heterosexual norms have impacted your sex life (no matter your orientation). My hope is to open the door for you to break out of sexual scripts and find what works for you. As a newly minted expectation-smashing pervert, it’s time to queer up that sex life!