Polyamory Terms: What do All These Terms Mean?!

So, you’ve stumbled into a conversation about polyamory, and suddenly people are throwing around words like “metamour” and “kitchen table.” We’ve all been there! Nodding along as you quietly google under the table everything you hear.

Whether you’re polyamorous, poly-curious, or just want to learn more, this is your cheat sheet the next time you stumble into a conversation about polyamory.

Let’s start with the basics, “poly” comes from Greek meaning many, and “amor” in Latin means love. Thus, Polyamory means many loves. It is used for people who desire a consensual romantic or emotional relationship with more than one person. Now that we got the basics down let's move on to terms that you may be unfamiliar with.

This term refers to your partner’s partner. It’s a handy word that prevents the awkward mouthful of “my boyfriend’s boyfriend” or my “girlfriend's boyfriend.”

This term refers to the partner of a metamour who is not your shared partner. Not many use this term but it’s best to know just in case it comes up in conversation.

This one might sound made-up, but it’s one of the important terms you need to know. Compersion is that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when someone you love is happy. Like when your partner comes back from a great date, and they are smiling, you can see their happiness radiating off them. Their happiness genuinely makes you happy. You are compert from seeing your partner having fun with their metamour.

In hierarchical polyamory, partners are ranked, think “primary” and “secondary.” A primary partner might live with you or share finances. Whereas, a secondary partner might be your date to the club. Non-hierarchical poly is the opposite, as they aim to treat all partners with equal value. They may all live together or live separately, but either way they are equally important in the relationship.

Imagine all your partners and their partners sitting around the kitchen table drinking coffee and chatting. That’s the goal of the kitchen table, it’s a style of poly relationship where metamours and telemours are friendly. This style is the exact opposite of parallel polyamory.

This is when partners don’t interact. Maybe they know of each other, but they keep their connections separate. It’s not icy–it’s just private.

A triangle is a romantic relationship involving three people, where all three are romantically involved with one another. A triad is similar, but each person may have a distinct relationship with the others.

For example, two people in the triad might be romantically involved with each other, while the third person has a separate romantic connection with one or both of them. It can be a bit confusing at first, but every polyamorous relationship is unique. And thus, the definitions of triangle and triad can vary from person to person.

A quad is a relationship involving four people. It’s as simple as that with no need for any complicated explanation.

Like with any new relationship, there’s often a honeymoon phase, that exciting period where everything feels magical, and you can’t stop smiling. You feel butterflies in your stomach, and everything is fresh and new. In polyamory, this is New Relationship Energy (NRE), it’s that rush of excitement when you start connecting with a new partner.

There are a lot more terms in the polyamory glossary, but these are just a few you might not be familiar with. If you come across a term you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Polyamory doesn’t come with a universal guidebook (though wouldn’t that be nice), but these terms can really help.

So the next time someone says, “I’m grabbing brunch with my metamour,” you’ll know exactly what they mean, and can simply say, “Nice! Tell them I said hi.”

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