How to Have Anal Sex: A Sexy, but Practical Guide

Never before has pleasure been so prioritized–or openly discussed–than it is today. Our understanding and acceptance of sexuality is constantly expanding. Vive la orgasm! 

Unfortunatley, we’re still whispering about anal sex. We’re denying our curiosity and feeling shame for wanting to try something new.

Anal sex, when done right, can be intimate, exciting, and surprisingly tender. It’s a valid form of pleasure, no matter your gender or orientation. And, it deserves more honest, stigma-free conversation.

This guide is your no-pressure, judgment-free, lube-loving roadmap on how to have anal sex. Exploring anal play safely and comfortably is a learned skill and we’re here to teach you everything you need to know. 

We’ll cover the big three: consent, comfort, and communication, plus all the prep, hygiene tips, and advice to help you confidently go into the unknown. No shame, no pain, no judgment—just an honest conversation about how to make butt stuff better.

So take a deep breath, grab some lube, and let’s get into it — gently.

Before we jump into the pros and cons of backdoor play, we need to talk about consent. 

Many women aren’t interested in anal sex. There’s a lot of shame and stigma around the act, overlooking the potential for pleasure. Often, women only agree to try it to make their partner happy. This is not true consent. 

Consent is not just a one-time or reluctant “yes” — it is ongoing, enthusiastic agreement between all parties involved. For anal sex, which is a sensitive, intimidating, and often delicate topic, consent is even more important.

Consent is freely given. If you have to convince someone to say “yes,” they are not freely consenting. If you’re reading this article to learn how to convince your partner to have anal sex with you, this is not the post for you. If you’re reading this article to learn how to have an open conversation about anal sex, explore the benefits and drawbacks, and ways to prevent pain while ensuring comfort and safety, you’re definitely in the right place.

Before you start buying lube and anal training kits, talk openly with your partner about your desires. Ask them questions like, “How do you feel about trying anal play?” and “What are you boundaries around anal sex?” Allow space for honest answers by keeping an open mind and showing respect for your partner. 

Remember, this is a foreign and intimidating topic for some people. It’s okay to laugh and joke, afterall, you’re going to have to discuss “poop” at somepoint, so you might as well smile.

Your sex life should consist of things that you want to do, not just things that make your partner happy. The same goes for anal sex.

Maybe you’ve always avoided it, or you’ve tried it once and didn’t like it. In this case, the answer is simple: you’re just not that into it. And that’s okay! Anal isn’t for everyone.

On the other hand, maybe you get turned on by the idea. A lot of people experience pleasure from anal penetration. It can increase the intensity of orgasms for women, it’s kinky and taboo, and works as a back-up plan if vaginal penetration isn’t an option.

Creating an open dialogue with your partner about anal sex not only eases anxiety, it ensures a good time.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Anal Sex

Before you hop into bed, talk through your ideas and wants with your partner. By communicating with honesty and vulnerability, you’re more likely to be on the same page.

This could mean initiating your first discussion about anal sex or working through any questions you might have. Examples of how to get the ball rolling:

1. “I’ve been curious about trying anal sex and wanted to know you feel about it.”
2. “I have some concerns about anal, could we talk through them together?”
3. “I’m worried anal might be painful, can we find a good lubricant and establish boundaries?”

No one expects either of you to have all the answers. Learning together is a bonding experience. By approaching anal sex with curiosity, you remove the stigma and normalize exploring pleasure. 

The Number One Rule of Anal Sex

The receiver is in the driver’s seat. 

Down the road, exceptions to the rule can be made. However, the first few times you try anal sex or anal pentration of any kind, the receiver is in the driver’s seat.

As the receiver, you will be telling your partner what to do and what not to do. When communicating about anal, this has to be understood by both of you.

Be prepared to say:

1. “Stop moving”
2. “Slow down”
3. “Pull out slowly”
4. “Stop, I don’t like this anymore”

In the planning phase, you’ll find out if your partner is someone who will listen to you or not. 

The first time you have anal sex is about comfort. By calling the shots with a partner who respects your boundaries, you avoid all the pain associated with anal. 

Here are the five cardinal rules of your backdoor play guide:

Patience is the key. 

There’s a ring of muscle at the entrance of your anus called the sphincter that stays tightly closed. Unlike other muscles in your body, it takes time for the sphincter to relax.

If you try to push something through your sphincter quickly while it’s still tensed, you’ll experience a lot of pain and possibly tearing. Not only could this turn you off completely from anal, but once you tear you need to stop and wait until you’re fully healed to try again.

You want to allow at least 10-15 minutes for your muscles to relax. Begin with a finger, or small toy, and let your body adjust to penetration.

Lube is absolutely essential for anal sex without pain. The anus does not produce its own lubrication, so a generous, more-than-you-think-you-need amount of lube will reduce friction and ease discomfort. And always reapply as needed.

There are 3 types of lube: oil, water, and silicone-based. Here are our recommendations for the best lube for anal sex:

Oil-based lube is smoother than water-based and silicone-based lubricants, and it lasts much longer. On the other hand, oil-based lube degrades condoms. (Refer to the safety section to learn more about condoms and anal sex).

Our recommendation for an anal-friendly oil-based lubricant is Foria Wellness Intimacy Sex Oil with CBD.

Water-based lubricant is safe for anal sex, but it dries out quickly requiring more reapplication than other lubes. However, it's the easiest lube to clean up and is condom safe. 

Our recommendation for water-based lubricant is the Soothe Anal Antibacterial Glide by Intimate Earth. 

Lastly, Silicone-based lube is the most recommended as it lasts longer than water-based lubricants and is condom safe. 

Hello Cake Silicone Sex Lube is our go to silicone-based lubricant for anal sex.

Don’t be a hero. 

Start with something easy, like a lubricated finger. We definitely recommend trying this first by yourself, though if it’s more comfortable to have your partner help, go for it. Do what feels right.

When beginning the act with a partner, ask them to run their finger along your opening, introducing you to the sensation of being touched. This will begin the relaxation process for your muscles.

Then, have them slowly insert their finger just far enough to feel an initial stretch. From here, it’s up to you. Our suggestion is to linger before going deeper or trying an in-and-out motion. Now is the time to vocalize your experience and comfort level. You can ask them to go deeper, speed up, slow down, or pull out.

If it begins to feel mildly uncomfortable at any point, have them hold still. This allows your sphincter to adjust and relax.

If you begin to feel pain, ask them to pull out slowly. Pulling out quickly can hurt. Then, if you’d like to continue, wait a minute and start over.

Use this sequence for all anal penetration, whether it’s with a finger, toy, or penis.

Once one finger feels comfortable (maybe even pleasurable), try two or introduce a butt plug. Our recommendation for the best beginner set of butt plugs is the Bellesa Anal Training Kit. These plugs come in a variety of sizes, allowing you to start small and increase at your own pace. They’re made of silicone and comfortable to wear, plus their tails are tapered for greater comfort going in and out.

You can also check out a couple of review on our favorite anal toys, including Calexotics X-10 Beads and Lovense Hush 2 Butt Plug.

It is always, always okay to pause or stop.

Clenching, sharp pain, and discomfort are signs to slow down or stop entirely. Pay attention to what you’re feeling and act on it.

We’ve talked a lot about pain in this article to help you set yourself up for success and ease any hesitations. However, when you’re listening to your body, you might find a deep rumbling satisfaction. Pay attention to the good and the bad when trying anal sex. 

Transmission of STIs is more likely with anal sex than vaginal or oral penetration. Because the muscles in your anus are constricted and the tissue is soft, tearing is more likely. This increases the risk of infection.

Using condoms significantly decreases this risk. Use a water or silicone-based lubricant to ensure the condom does not tear.

Anal has a bad rap for being “dirty.” And while there are plenty of instances where this is true, it might surprise you how simple anal sex comfort and hygeine is.

Up top, there may be trace amounts of feces in the anus, but really, it’s stored in the bowels. So, your baseline expectation for clean up before and after should be low.

Here are a few tricks for upping your hygiene game:

Wet wipes: Simply wiping yourself down back there, with special attention to your anus, will decrease the likelihood of fecal matter joining the party. If wet wipes aren’t available, a thorough shower will also do the trick.

Honestly, just having wet wipes on hand while having anal sex is a great idea. They’re great for quick clean-up.

Douching: An anal douche is a small, baloon-shaped device. Fill it with warm water, insert it, then squeeze. It will rinse out any unwanted residue.

A good rule of thumb is to use the bathroom beforehand, wipe thoroughly with a wet wipe, and bring a towel to lie down on the bed underneath you. The towel will mainly catch any excess lubricant, and is always there in case you need it.

Once a finger, tongue, penis, or toy has come in contact with you butt, it can’t go into your vagina before being cleaned. This is for two reasons:

1. This can cause Bacterial Vaginosis. Even if you’ve performed an enema to clean out your anus, there is still a likelihood of tranmitting bacteria to your vagina. If you’re going to double dip, be sure to change the condom and wash their penis thoroughly. 
2. Pregnancy. The biggest perk of anal sex might be that it’s impossible to get pregnant. Typically, this is true. However, if your partner comes during anal sex then enters your vagina, there’s a slim chance an egg will be fertilized.

We recommend two positions as possible starting points for first time anal sex. 

Spooning

Lay on your side, knees bent slightly toward your chest, with your top leg slightly further forward than the bottom. Your partner will mimic this shape behind you. 

This position has a couple of benefits. 

First, it allows you to release tension while your partner helps you relax and ease into penetration. 

Second, this position requires no muscle tensing. You’re not engaging your legs or core while lying on your side, which will cut down on the engagement of other muscles. 

Lastly, as the receiver, you have the option of taking charge. Sometimes, it’s easier for the penetrating partner to do the work. Other times, the receiver might feel better controlling the depth and speed of penetration or thrusting themselves. An easy and relaxed way to do this is to place your top hand on the bed in front of your chest and then push your body back gently. This engages your arms and shoulders, rather than your lower core and backside.

Once you’re comfortable, you have the option of letting your partner take control. Spooning is a great way to welcome dominance play gently. 

Reverse Cowgirl

For receivers who need absolute control over speed and depth, Reverse Cowgirl is for you.

Begin by straddling your partner with your backside toward them. You can begin on your feet or knees. We’ve found that being on your knees welcomes less strain and gives you greater balance. 

Ask your partner to help line things up, or you can take the reins and hold their penis. Then lower yourself down as slowly as feels comfortable. Since you’re on top, you can stop at any moment and pull out at the right speed for you.

The biggest tool at your disposal to help increase pleasure and decrease pain from anal sex is breath. When sensations become overwhelming, focus on your breathing and take deep breaths. 

Not only will this calm you down and quiet your mind, but exhaling also relaxes the body. When in doubt, just breathe.