Speed Dating: Sex Toy Edition

Welcome to the horniest mixer this side of your nightstand. We gathered the most iconic sex toys for a night of speed dating. They came pre-lubed, emotionally unavailable, and absolutely ready to destroy your will to live in the best way possible. These aren’t subtle. They don’t do small talk and their core mission is to GET YOU OFF! Each toy comes with a brutally honest dating profile, think likes, dislikes, and exactly what they do to your body.

Magic Wand OG

🔋 Type: External Vibrator (Everything Massager)

💪 Likes: Strong sockets, warm thighs, being your last resort and your favorite mistake

😤 Dislikes: USB cords, hesitation, anyone who says “I don’t really use toys”

💬 Bio: “They call me the O.G. of clit annihilation, but I don't pick favorites, I can shake any soul loose in 3 minutes. I don't do teasing, and I'm certainly not whisper quiet when I decide to go on a full-throttle rumble. I plug into the wall because I don’t do subtle. You don’t use me...you survive me.”

Fleshlight Chad

🍑 Type: Masturbation Sleeve (Penis)

👅 Likes: Warm water rinses, towel-drying, porn you don’t tell your friends about

🤢 Dislikes: Getting left in the closet next to a crusty sock

💬 Bio: “I’m a handheld tunnel of sins and bad decisions. Lifelike textures, ridiculous suction, and a level of grip that’ll make you rethink human contact. Prep me right, and I’ll keep you edging like your life depends on it. Judge me all you want...I still know your browser history.”

Prostate Explorer 3000

🍒 Type: Prostate Massager (Anal, Men/AMAB Bodies)

🧠 Likes: Lube science, pelvic floor tension, playlists called “P-Spot Pressure”

🙅‍♂️ Dislikes: People who say “that’s not for me” before trying it once

💬 Bio: “I’m curved for precision, built for depth, and powered by your curiosity. I don’t just request...I summon orgasms from your spine. Insert, relax, and let me unlock the full-body pleasure you’ve been too afraid to Google. I vibrate. I pulse. Some of me even thrust. I know where the good stuff is. You just have to let go.”

Cock Ring Carl

🧠 Type: Erection Enhancer / Couple’s Toy (Penis, External Vibes)

🕰️ Likes: Mutual orgasms, staying power, group projects

🙃 Dislikes: Getting called “a gimmick” by someone who finishes in 2 minutes

💬 Bio: “I wrap around and keep things… extra. Harder, longer, stronger. Some versions buzz, some don’t, but all of me exists to level you up and give your partner a damn good time. I’m the gym spotter of sex. I don’t do the work for you. I just make sure you don’t tap out early.”

The Rose

💗 Type: Clitoral Suction Toy

🌹 Likes: Baths, silk sheets, three-minute orgasms that feel like divine intervention

🙅‍♀️ Dislikes: People who say “but I like the real thing”

💬 Bio: “I don’t vibrate...I inhale your soul through your clit. Air pulse suction tech that mimics oral, but with machine precision and zero tongue fatigue. Waterproof, discreet, and clinically designed to snatch your soul out of your body. My aim is to make you wet with joy. If you value your job, don’t use me on a Zoom call.”

Rabbit 2.0

🐇 Type: Dual Vibrator (Internal + Clitoral)

⚡ Likes: Multi-tasking, overstimulation, button mashing

🚫 Dislikes: Half-assed effort and low battery warnings mid-orgasm

💬 Bio: “I go in and on at the same time. G-spot pressure inside. Buzzing ears outside. I’m the multi-threat sex toy that wrecks your body and reboots your nervous system. I come with 12 speeds, too many functions, and zero patience. Strap in. I'm not for that slow burn, I want to lead you into a full-blown meltdown.”

Bullet Vibe Brittany

💄 Type: Compact Clitoral Vibrator

👜 Likes: Spontaneity, car quickies, panic attacks in Target parking lots

👻 Dislikes: Low batteries and anyone who says “size matters”

💬 Bio: “I’m small, chaotic, and always down bad. No settings. No warm-up. Just pure unfiltered buzz to the clit. I’m the best friend who gets you off at 3am, then disappears into the couch for six months. Perfect for first timers, last resorts, or ‘why did I do this on my lunch break?’ moments.”

Glass Dildo Gwen

❄️ Type: Rigid G-Spot/P-Spot Dildo

✨ Likes: Precision, temperature play, leaving you speechless

🚫 Dislikes: Butterfingers, porcelain sinks

💬 Bio: “I’m sleek, cold, and silent, think of me like the luxury assassin. I don't say much, but I can definitely get you talking. My body was made to please you, with smooth, curved pressure in the right spot. G-spot? Check. Prostate? Oh yeah. Freeze me. Warm me. Worship me. I’m dishwasher safe, but you'd better warn your mom first.”

Thrustmaster 9000

🛠️ Type: Automatic Thrusting Dildo

🔩 Likes: Doing all the work, adjustable speed, ruining your week

💣 Dislikes: Beds without headboards, roommates with ears

💬 Bio: “I don’t tease. I thrust. Fast. Deep. Unapologetically. Suction base? Check. Telescoping shaft? Absolutely. Noise level? Let’s just say you’re gonna need a fan running. If your vibrator whispers sweet nothings, I scream ‘YOU READY?’ and break the bed frame. Use me once, and your standards are f**ked forever.”

💦 BONUS: Lube Larry

🧴 Type: Water-based, Silicone, Hybrid — depends on your vibe

🧽 Likes: Friction-free fun, enthusiastic consent, being taken seriously

🙅 Dislikes: Dry ass excuses and anyone who says “I don’t need lube”

💬 Bio: “I’m not the star, but I’m the reason the scene works. I play nice with all your sensitive bits, and I’m known to follow toys into the bedroom (or other places). Respect the drip or feel the burn.”

Toys don’t ghost you. They don’t need to be asked twice. They don’t ask, “Did you finish?”

Do you need any more reasons to swipe right?