Alright, so this isn’t your average sex ed blog. Most of the stuff out there skips over trans folks completely or tosses in a sentence like “sex looks different for everyone” and calls it a day. Nah, we’re not doing that here. If you’re trans (or with someone who is), you deserve better than some vague bullet points and outdated advice. So let’s get real about trans sex: what it is, what it isn’t, and how to make it great.

1. Forget What You Think Sex Should Be

The “standard” model of sex: penis goes in vagina followed by a climax has already been done, it is lazy, limited, and frankly boring as hell. It’s also wildly unhelpful for anyone whose body or boundaries don’t match that mold.

Trans sex involves bodies that might have been altered by hormones, surgery, trauma, or dysphoria. Some folks don’t want penetration. Some don’t want their genitals touched at all. Others do…but want that touch framed in a way that feels affirming, not clinical or porn-scripted.

The keyword here is adaptability. Sex is not a checklist, it's an energy, vibe, and a form of communication.

Grinding, kissing, humping, mutual masturbation, verbal play, kink, oral, cuddling, using toys, all of it counts. Want to fuck without taking your clothes off? Cool. Want to keep the lights off? That’s valid. Want to do it with a harness, a packer, and a vibe going at the same time? Let’s go.

The best sex is what makes you feel good.

2. Language Isn’t Just Polite, It’s Essential

Words can turn someone on, or shut them down completely. Especially for trans folks, certain terms tied to anatomy (“vagina,” “clit,” “penis,” etc.) might feel totally fine, or totally wrong. It depends on the person, and it can shift from day to day. So if you’re with someone, ask.

1. “How do you like your body talked about?”

2. “What words do you want me to use or avoid?”

This isn’t awkward, it's respectful and can make someone feel seen. Imagine being able to say “I love your dick” and have that actually land for someone with a front hole because you knew that’s what made them feel powerful. That’s a real connection.

And if you’re trans: own your language. Call your parts whatever feels right and let your person know. Its the classic your body, your rules phrase coming to life. 

3. Dysphoria Doesn’t Clock Out Just Because You’re Naked

Dysphoria is sneaky. One day, you’re feeling sexy, confident, and free. Next, a single glance in the mirror sends you into a spiral. In sex, this means the mood can change fast. 

That’s not failure, it’s just the reality of living in a body that’s been politicized, judged, and misunderstood since forever. So if your partner suddenly asks you to stop touching a specific area, goes quiet, or checks out mentally…don’t take it personally. Just pause and say, “Want to switch it up?” or “Want to stop?” That kind of flexibility builds trust, and this is what opens the door to deeper intimacy.

Pro tip: Have a couple of “safe zones” you know are usually okay, like the neck, chest, thighs, back, etc, so you’re not locked into one option.

4. Lube & Toys: Not Optional, Not Extra

Let’s get one thing straight: lube is essential. Testosterone can make things drier down there. Anxiety tenses up muscles, and surgery scars might make friction tricky. So use the damn lube, lots of it, and reapply it generously. Make it part of play because there's no shame in a slippery game.

Toys are where shit gets fun and affirming. Trans folks often need toys that work with their bodies, not against them. Mainstream sex shops usually fail at this. Luckily, places like ToyChats have stepped up.

Some examples:

• Strap-ons that look realistic, feel soft, and have just the right curve. Works for folks who want to pack and play.

• Sleeves designed specifically for transmasc folks on T. Stimulates the T-dick without overwhelming it.

These aren’t luxuries they are tools to help you feel like your body belongs to you again. Experiment. Mix and match. You’re not “cheating” by using toys, you’re enhancing your experience.

5. Post-Surgery Sex: Be Patient, Stay Curious

Bottom surgery doesn’t end at the hospital. There’s a whole chapter afterwards where you learn about your new body like what it can do, how it feels, what gets you off. And it doesn’t all happen overnight.

Nerves reconnect slowly, sensation can shift, and erections might not show up right away. That doesn’t mean the surgery “failed,” it means your body is still adapting during the healing process.

Start solo by touching without goals. Utilize things like mirrors, dilators, vibes, and suction gear. Overall, be gentle with yourself.

If you’re the partner, be even more patient. Ask before touching, and be ready to take direction. Some people will want you to ignore the surgical scars entirely. Others will want you to worship them. Don’t assume, make sure to ask questions, and explore together.

And if you haven’t had surgery and don’t plan on it that is totally fine. This does not make your body less worthy, and you don’t need to be “complete” to have satisfying, affirming sex. Your body is already yours, and that’s enough.

6. Talk Before, Talk During, Talk After

Communication is key in possibly every situation on this earth, from politics to the bedroom, we have to keep that channel open to giving and receiving information. Here’s how you can do that:

Before sex ask:

• “Are there places I should avoid touching?”

• “What words do you want me to use for your body?”

• “What makes you feel most seen?”

During sex ask:

• “Does this feel good?”

• “Want more of this?”

• “Want to change it up?”

After sex ask:

• “What did you like?”

• “Anything I should do differently next time?”

• “Wanna try something new next time?”

This isn’t overkill. This is intimacy. This is what real sex looks like when you strip away ego and performative crap.

7. Confidence Isn’t Knowing Everything—It’s Showing Up Anyway

A lot of trans people think they need to have it all figured out before someone can touch them. Nah, nobody has all the answers, not even your “woke” sex therapist.

Confidence isn’t about knowing everything, it’s about showing up, being curious, and permitting yourself to explore without shame.

You can say, “I don’t know what I like yet.” 

You’re allowed to need a minute to get out of your head or even ask for help. And if you’re the partner, don’t get cocky. You’re not here to “fix” or “teach,” instead you’re here to co-create an experience. Stay humble, stay present, stay kind.

Trans sex isn’t a niche category, nor is it an asterisk. It’s just sex between people, with bodies, brains, and baggage, trying to feel good and be seen. Good sex isn’t about technique, instead it involves trust and listening.

So ditch the scripts, burn the rulebook, and use your words, lube, and gear. And if it all falls apart mid-thrust and you both end up laughing in bed, sweaty, happy, and slightly confused? Congrats. You’re doing it right.