A Beginner’s Guide to Gay Sex

There’s something terrifying about Googling how to have sex with another guy for the first time. Not because it’s shameful, but because most of what pops up is either porn, forums full of half-truths, or condescending articles that talk to you like you’re 12.

So if you're here, maybe you’re gay, bi, curious, questioning, trans, or just someone who wants to explore gay sex safely and confidently. This guide is for you…let’s slide in.

What Counts As Gay Sex?

Gay sex can involve different kinds of bodies. Not every gay or queer man has a penis, and not everyone wants the same type of touch. Gay sex gets hot and heavy with:

• Grinding (frottage)

• Oral sex (blowjobs, rimming)

• Anal sex (penetrative or non-penetrative)

• Kissing, touching, and mutual masturbation

• Toy play for pre- and during sex play and stimulation (prostate massagers, plugs, vibers)

Know the Roles, Not the Stereotypes

You’ll hear a lot about tops, bottoms, and vers guys. In simple terms:

• Top = does the penetrating

• Bottom = gets penetrated

• Vers = switches it up based on vibe or partner

But here’s the deal: these roles don’t define your masculinity, your worth, or how “gay” you are. They’re not locked-in identities or personality types. They’re just preferences, like favorite positions in dance or pizza toppings. 

Some guys have a strong preference, others are totally fluid. You can explore, switch it up, change your mind, or decide none of it fits you. It’s normal to feel nervous, awkward, or unsure, even if you’re excited too. Great sex isn’t about being perfect. 

If it’s your first time, set the bar at connection, not performance. Penetration doesn’t need to happen right away or ever. Take your time, talk through nerves, and keep things light. A good first time isn’t perfect.

Topping, Bottoming & Everything In Between

The dynamic between the person giving (topping) and the person receiving (bottoming) is where a lot of the action and responsibility live. Whether it’s a penis or a strap-on, or you’re working with a front hole, what matters is the sensation, not the label.

Whichever role you're into, here’s how to not make it suck:

Prep & Cleanliness

• Bottoms: Douching is optional. If you do it, stick to warm water, no soap, and go easy. Don’t douche on a full stomach, wait at least 3–4 hours after eating.

• Tops: Wash your junk, hands, and trim your nails. If you’re going inside someone, top-tier hygiene is needed to avoid irritation, scratches, or any unexpected grossness.

• And hey, if there’s a little mess? Don’t poop panic, breathe. It happens. Wipe, laugh, and move on. It’s sex, not surgery.

Lube = Non-negotiable

• Water-based = best with condoms & toys

• Silicone = long-lasting and slick as hell

• Test it first if you’ve got sensitive skin

• Reapply. A lot. Seriously. The more glide, the better the ride. Remember the anus cannot self lubricate.

Mindset

• Bottoms: Breath and accept sensations. Use your fingers (or theirs) and toys to open things up. Your ass is a muscle. It needs time to relax and stretch.

• Tops: You’re not driving a car into a garage. Go slow. Pay attention. Help them open up, mentally and physically.

Foreplay is Functional

• Fingering isn’t just foreplay—it’s necessary

• Explore, tease, and build tension

• Talk. Moan. Check in. Make it hot, not a chore

Other Ways to Get Off (Without Going In)

• Sex doesn’t have to be about penetration. Some of the hottest moments come from body-to-body contact.

• Grinding (aka frottage): Rub bodies, rub dicks, rub with clothes or without. It’s hot, simple, and zero prep. Dry humping can totally get you off.

• Mutual masturbation: Watch each other, touch each other, jerk off side by side or trade off—it’s still sex, still connection.

• Kissing + Touching: Full makeout, light teasing, neck kisses, chest play—don’t underestimate it. Sometimes all someone wants is to be held and touched in the right way.

Don’t treat this stuff like the warm-up. For some guys, this is the main event—and it can feel just as good, sometimes better.

If it hurts, stop

• When it comes to penetration, some pressure or discomfort when entering the anus is normal, but sharp pain or burning is your cue to stop. Try more lube, switch positions, or come back to it later.

• No shame in pausing or switching things up. This isn’t rejection—it’s redirection.

Of course, mouths do more than moan….let’s talk oral.

Oral & Rimming

Blowjob tips

Blowjobs aren’t about showing off or going turbo from the start. It’s about rhythm, pressure, and reading the room or more accurately, reading his reactions. Use your hands with your mouth to keep things smooth and steady. 

Don't just rely on your throat like you're trying to win an award. And unless you’re actually into deepthroating, don’t force it. Also, don’t ignore the balls or inner thighs, tease them with a little licking, some soft touch, maybe gentle sucks.  

And if he says something like “fuck, that feels good”? That’s not just hot, it’s useful, real-time feedback. Reply, when your mouth isn’t full, it will make the erotic connection and pleasurable feelings stronger.

Rimming (oral on the butt)

It’s easily one of the most intimate ways to connect during foreplay, and for a lot of guys, it feels incredible. The area is full of sensitive nerve endings, so it becomes a serious pleasure zone when someone takes their time and flicks the tongue in the right direction.

Just a heads-up though: There’s a small risk with rimming—like hepatitis A or parasites. To stay safe, clean up well beforehand or use a dental dam if you want to keep things both hot and low-risk.

Consent + Safety = Good Sex

Yes, queer men still face higher rates of HIV and STIs. No, that doesn’t mean gay sex is unsafe; it means you should be smart.

• Use condoms, especially with new partners or in casual situations, unless you’ve both been tested and had a clear, direct convo about risk. Condoms protect against HIV and most other STIs, and when paired with lube, they also make sex smoother and more comfortable.

• PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is a daily or event-based pill that lowers your risk of contracting HIV by up to 99%. It doesn’t protect against everything, but it’s a game-changer. You can get it through most LGBTQ+ clinics, online programs, or with a prescription from your doctor. 

• Get tested every 3 months if you’re sexually active, especially if you’re having sex with multiple partners. It’s not excessive, it’s responsible. Most STIs are treatable, but many show no symptoms, so regular testing keeps you and your partners in the know.

And finally, consent isn’t a one-time checkbox; it’s ongoing. If someone says “stop,” you stop. If someone looks unsure, you check in. If you’re not sure what someone wants, ask. Focus on what does feel good, not what you think should feel good.

Breathe, relax your muscles, make sounds, and move around. The more present you are in your body, the better it’ll be.

The Real Finish Line

Sex with another guy isn’t just about what you do with your bodies; it’s about how you leave each other feeling. Aftercare matters. Feel free to cuddle if you want, talk shit, joke around, chill in the afterglow. There’s no ‘right way’ to have gay sex, just the way that feels good, safe, and real to you.