Planning the Perfect First Time: How to Have Sex with a Virgin

So, your partner has decided they’re ready to do it. And now, butterflies are swarming, your heart is racing, and you’re on the internet searching, “how to have sex with a virgin.” 

First off, let’s take a breath. Second, relax, you’re in the right place. This guide is here to cultivate comfort, communication, and connection, and shut down any pressure or panic you’re feeling.

Having sex for the first time is always a little awkward. That’s what makes it so special—it’s vulnerable, full of laughter, and rarely goes off without a hitch. Trying to “perfect” losing your virginity takes away the naturally tender, exciting, and passionate parts of the experience.

Spontaneity isn’t necessarily the way to go in this situation either. Ideally, having sex with a virgin is a combination of planning and allowing that plan to change. It’s about crafting an atmosphere that’s comfortable and special, having all the supplies you need to stay safe and in the moment, and communicating needs before, during, and after. It’s a lot, but you only have one first time.

If you’re looking for tips on how to make this experience as pleasurable as possible for her, look no further than Sex Tips for Men. We put together a list of the top tips straight from the source.

1. Before Anything Else: Make Sure You’re Both Ready

The most important part of having sex for the first time is feeling ready. Those of us born in the 90s didn’t get the memo about emotional, physical, or mental readiness when it came to losing our virginity. Checking in and being honest are valuable first steps in planning the first time.

Ask yourselves:

• Do I want to do this, or do I feel like I should?

• Do I trust my partner?

• Can I communicate openly with them about boundaries, birth control, and consent?

If you’re both answering yes to each question, you’re in a good spot. If not, take a beat and reevaluate the decision to unlock that chastity belt. In a perfect world, the first time having sex is a fond memory. Regrets happen when you rush your decision and act out of obligation rather than comfort and desire. 

The importance of safety cannot be stressed enough. But sometimes, some tenacious little swimmers slip past your defenses. That’s why being informed on all things Plan B is crucial. Learn more in The Real Deal on Plan B.

2. Good Sex Starts with Good Communication

Think of this as part 2 of the first step. It can even take place in the same conversation. After all, it's way easier to talk through everything in one go.

Before anything physical happens, check in with each other about what you do and don’t want. It doesn’t have to be formal, just look at it as a way to assess comfort levels.

Here are a couple of questions to get the ball rolling:

• “What would help you relax and feel good? (Music, lights on or off, morning or night, going on a date first, etc.)”

• “Do you want to use lube?”

• “Do you want to shop for condoms with me, or do you trust me to get them?”

• “Is there a sex act you’re open to including, or one you want a strict boundary in front of?”

This is definitely where vulnerability and intimacy begin to appear. When learning how to plan the best first time having sex, communication is your secret weapon.

When the first time turns into the 20th time, you might start looking for ways to shake things up. Look no further than Getting Freaky in Nature—your guide to having sex on a hike. 

3. Set the Scene

Your environment is where you and your partner have the most control. Crafting the right environment is the most important part of having sex with a virgin. 

Privacy, comfort, and time are the biggest factors to consider. 

Choose a place where you won’t be interrupted. You don’t need the added anxiety of someone walking in or a roommate turning on the stereo in the living room. 

Make sure your sheets are clean, water, lubricant, and condoms are all accessible, and that any other items your partner requested are present. Consider placing a towel down or having one nearby to clean up excess fluids. This will keep things running as smoothly as possible.

Lastly, consider how much time you’ll need. Include time to talk and get comfortable, time for sex, and time for aftercare. Comfort beats spontaneity every time, and while you can’t plan each moment, you can make sure you’re ready for anything.

4. Go Slow—Like, Really Slow

Movies may have you convinced that first-time sex is effortless. In reality, it’s a toss-up. 

Vulva-owners often experience pain the first time they have sex. This is where foreplay—to build arousal and create natural lubrication, artificial lube, and slowing down becomes crucial. Move gently, adjust when necessary, and communicate both pain and pleasure.

And if things are just so awkward or uncomfortable that you need to laugh, laugh. But do it together. Losing your virginity is a vulnerable experience; no one deserves to be embarrassed while it happens. Stay curious, kind, and playful.

5. Safety is Sexy

You’re not going to get herpes and die like they told you in Mean Girls. But, you could get an STI or risk pregnancy, and trust me, nothing ruins the mood like a proper scare.

Using protection is a non-negotiable when it comes to having sex for the first time. Condoms help prevent both pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. They come in all sizes and textures, both latex and non-latex. 

If you’re unsure about what protection works best for you, talk to a healthcare provider, parent, or close friend before the big moment. (Seriously, though, the healthcare provider is your safest bet.) Being informed is sexy.

Preparing for your first time, and for your partner’s first time, requires having your bases covered. Learn more about all the possibilities sex brings, including the impact on her cervix in What is a Bruised Cervix?

6. Aftercare: The Cherry On Top

Aftercare is a vital part of having sex for the first time. It means tending to each other emotionally and physically afterward by cuddling, talking, taking a shower, or anything else that feels appropriate.

Losing your virginity can create mixed emotions—excitement, confusion, and vulnerability. Take some time to connect afterward to process and enjoy the experience. It’ll make the next time that much better,

7. Don’t Expect Perfection

Nobody’s first time is flawless. It might be tender and beautiful—it might be a bloody, awkward, giggly mess. Either way, that’s okay. The more you relax (and talk!), the better it gets.