I Put My Penis in the Male Masturbator Roller from Orctan...Here’s the Review

After more than a decade of reviewing all manner of sex toys, I’ve understandably come across some pretty fucking weird stuff, but this takes the biscuit...and then dunks it in your tea without asking. It has an equally absurd name: Orctan. It sounds aggressive, and oddly appropriate for a giant steamroller that squeezes your cock into submission and milks it for everything it’s got.

This is also the first toy I’ve ever reviewed that comes with actual health warnings—like “shave your pubes in case they get caught in the rollers.”

Don’t get me wrong it’s brilliant and unique, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely fucking petrified of putting this anywhere near my trembling little todger. I’ve faced down all kinds of bizarre machines, but this one had me questioning my life choices.

Unboxing and design

In the box is the Orctan behemoth of a toy, a USB-C charging cable (be sure to fully charge it before use for approximately 2 hours—from a regular phone adapter, not a fast charger), a manual, a separate safety leaflet, and a drawstring nylon storage bag.

Let’s talk about the size: it’s enormous, and I suspect that’s down to the motors that drive those rollers. This thing isn’t here to play nice.

In terms of design, they’ve gone for a gamer vibe, with a controller-style ABS plastic body with carbon fibre print, shoulder buttons for speed and power, and a general air of “this was designed by someone who owns RGB strip lighting and a katana.”

In the center are two chunky rollers made of body-safe silicone, just less than 3 inches long and 2 inches in diameter, but concave to accommodate your cock. One is smooth, while the other features large dimples, presumably for extra tactile trauma.

There’s a large hinge in the middle, allowing the whole thing to fold over and squeeze like a Victorian laundry mangle. Unfolded, there's an inch gap between the rollers; when fully folded, that narrows to half an inch.

Perhaps the “orc” part of the name comes from the feeling that you’re being wanked off by a literal orc, two times your size. But the “tan” bit? Perhaps a poorly romanized version of "chan", the Japanese suffix meaning cute or friendly. So… cute orc? Alright, it’s a stretch. If you have a better theory, feel free to share it in the comments while I apply some soothing gel.

How to use the Orctan

Unlike some toys that offer a slow build-up, the Orctan expects you to arrive fully operational. It doesn't vibrate or suck, so you can’t go in flaccid and expect it to inspire greatness.

The unique hinge mechanism means it can accommodate a wide range of girths, though if you’re particularly well-endowed, you might have trouble.

And forget hands-free. You can’t just stick it in and let it run wild. You’ll need to hold it in place or manually stroke if you prefer. There’s no attachment point, no screw holes, no way to strap it down as it’s designed to be held and operated like the most cursed video game controller imaginable.

Without lube, the tacky silicone rollers will grab you in, then throw you out again, and again. The manual warns against this for good reason. With lube, it’s more like an aggressive blowjob from someone with a very textured tongue. That might not sound sexy, but trust me it’s oddly enjoyable. Just make sure to use water-based lube only; oils are not silicone safe.

There are three “auto” modes and nine basic patterns. I put that in quotes because they just cycle through preset patterns 1–3, 4–6, or 7–9; there’s no other speed variation, and no app control. Each basic pattern oscillates between pulling and pushing for a certain amount of time.

Press + and – to change patterns; << and >> to navigate auto modes. Press << and >> together to pause, or + and – for a “boost” mode; though all that does is make it shudder back and forth at a slightly higher speed than normal.

When it comes to clean-up, Orctan is splash-proof, not waterproof, so don’t submerge it. The rollers pop out easily by pushing them to one side and squeezing them free, and can be easily cleaned with soap and water.

What’s not to love about the Orctan?

Unfortunately, several things.

Getting the lube balance right is essential. Too much, and you slide around like a greased eel. Too little, and your dick can be ... ripped off. I preferred it a little rougher with less lube, but as someone with a foreskin, I discovered there’s about 20 seconds of bliss before the rollers grab it and roll it up like a tent flap. So I needed one hand to hold the base of my cock and keep the foreskin down, one hand to operate the toy, and a third hand to keep the lube flowing when the balance was off. No, I don’t have that many hands, so you see the issue.

Ultimately, while the steamrolled cock experience was oddly satisfying, it wasn’t quite fast or intense enough to actually get me off, even in Turbo Boost mode.

Would I recommend the mechanical Orc blowjob machine?

It’s an innovative design, and I genuinely applaud the team for going completely off the rails with this one. I imagine their design meetings were a blast.

If you’re a collector of obscure penis massagers, then grab an Orctan while you can because it’s no longer being manufactured, so once it’s gone, it’s gone. If you’re an artisan bread maker looking for a new way to knead dough into a sausage shape with dimples on one side, this might also be for you. It's on sale at less than $100, making it more affordable than ever; and while still premium, it's teetering on the edge of being a "take a punt on something weird" price point.

But for everyone else, especially anyone with a foreskin or a sense of self-preservation, there are better ways to get off that don’t come with multiple warning labels and the risk of a workplace accident.