You’ll never look at your old, rigid dildo the same way again. Once you’ve had sliding foreskin and squeezable balls, everything else feels like a McDonald's Happy Meal toy. We’re in the “post dual-density era” now, baby.

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With out-of-this-world customization options, the Arbora from Uncover Creations is one alien specific you won't mind being probed by.

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The Sinloli Ukulele Mini Sex Machine might look cute, but it’s no toy; it’s a capable little fuck machine that punches way above its weight. With a 60W motor, fully adjustable thrusting angles, and up to 240 strokes per minute, it delivers serious action in a compact package. It’s perfect for beginners or anyone tight on space, and the fantasy dildo bundle adds variety to your sessions. That said, the new EZFunLock connector system is a baffling move, and the torque just isn’t enough to handle deep anal play or heavier toys. If you want to script your pleasure, grab the app-enabled version. The Sinoli Ukulele is an affordable, fun, and effective intro to the world of thrusting machines; just understand there'll be compromises compared to something twice the price.

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It feels like an aggressive blowjob from an actual Orc, but the Orctan is actually part automatic cock-milking machine and part medieval torture device. It’s not for the faint of heart (or foreskin), but if you’ve got a penchant for the weird, it's a genuinely unique take on a tired category. Just be sure to use enough lube, and shave your pubes.

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The Snail Vibe Gizi takes the bold, brilliant concept of the original Curve and kind of ruins it. Gone is the ability to thrust with strong vibrations. What’s left is a perfectly average dual-stimulation vibrator dressed up in the shape of something far more innovative. It’s silky smooth silicone, well-made, and technically works but if you’ve used the original, this feels like a hollow sequel that didn't need to have happened.

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This bondage frame is an absolute steal for the price—around $300 from AliExpress, shipped. It's solid, heavy-duty, and endlessly customisable. Out of the box, the default setup leaves a lot to be desired (and possibly dislocated), but treat it like BDSM LEGO and it becomes a pervert’s dream project. Whether you’re into strict restraint, kinky engineering, or mounting a fucking machine like a mad scientist, this "slave frame" delivers serious value and versatility.

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If you’re after something that looks wild, feels intense, and gives you options for both inflation and squirty mess? This is the best-value pick out there right now.

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If you’re looking at this because you’re disabled and find regular sex difficult; don’t bother because it’s unlikely to offer any benefit. You may have difficulty putting it together, and depending on your disability, the strain it puts on your body elsewhere may be too much.

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While most people think of a pair of handcuffs as the first step on a kink journey, they look a lot better in the movies than they feel in real life, more often leading to cries of "ow, those are digging into my back now", or "damn my wrists hurt." Instead, I'd argue that a decent under bed restraint system is a far more exciting introduction to bondage, and something will likely stay a part of your play chest even if you graduate to “harder” forms of bondage later. But shop wisely because not all under bed restraint systems are made the same. The DOMINIX Deluxe Adjustable Leather Cuff Under Mattress Set from LoveHoney is a solid choice, with leather cuffs and a secure method of mounting to your bed.

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The We-Vibe Jibe isn’t a bad toy by any means, but it works best as an accompaniment rather than the main course. At an RRP of $130, it’s also quite a pricey option, even if it does offer rumblier vibes than the competition. If you don’t know how you feel about internal vibrations, that’s a lot to spend on a punt to find out.

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Does the job in a portable, travel-friendly format. But maybe wait for a sale, because it feels a lot cheaper than it is.

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Elsa Jean is a young, petite blond beauty, and her Fleshlight is tantalizingly tight with delicious textures to explore. If other Fleshlights have failed to deliver, I think you might want to try Elsa before giving up entirely and going back to the hand. My endless search for a satisfying pocket pussy might be over.

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