Sometimes talking about sex out loud can make us squirm. Even the word sex makes people giggle like they’re 12 or freeze up like it’s some kind of setup. But the truth is, beyond the raw, primal, pleasure-packed stuff, sex is a huge part of human connection, identity, and health.

And when something’s off in the bedroom, it doesn’t just stay there. It bleeds into everything else, your mood, your self-esteem, even your freakin' sleep.

That’s where sex therapists come in. They’re not just for “people with problems” or couples hanging on by a thread. A good sex therapist can shift how you see yourself, your pleasure, your body, and the way you connect with people.

So, What Does A Sex Therapist Actually Do?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on everything from sexual function and trauma to intimacy, desire, identity, and pleasure. And no, it's not some creepy “let's get naked and talk about it” scene. 

First sessions are usually just talking. You’ll go over your history, what brought you in, and set goals. It’s science-backed, grounded in human behavior, and built on emotional safety. If you’re queer, kinky, non-monogamous, or anything outside or inside the ‘norm’ then a sex therapist can help you feel seen, not judged.

Stuff People Go To Sex Therapy For

Sex therapy isn’t just about getting freaky or fixing your orgasm. It’s about the heavy stuff most people never talk about, like shame, insecurity, identity, trauma, disconnection, and dysfunction. Here’s the real list of what shows up behind closed doors.

Desire differences

One person wants sex three times a week, the other wants it once every three months. This happens a lot, in long-term relationships, new ones, and even hookups. A therapist helps you figure out what’s underneath it. It’s usually not just hormones instead it can be a result of resentment, trauma, self-worth, routine, or even just boredom.

Sexual dysfunction (not just for dudes)

• For men, that can look like erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation.

• For women, it can be trouble getting aroused, difficulty having orgasms (anorgasmia), or not feeling desire at all (especially after childbirth, trauma, or hormonal shifts).

• For non-binary & trans folks, it’s often compounded by dysphoria, body disconnect, medical transitions, or not feeling safe in their own skin.

And then there’s pain during sex, which is way more common than people realize. Conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, endometriosis, or even pelvic floor tension can make intimacy feel like hell instead of pleasure.

And for too long, doctors (and society) just shrugged it off with “try to relax” or “drink a glass of wine.” Sex therapists take this stuff seriously and help connect you to the right medical and emotional resources.

Porn, compulsive use & shame

Watching porn doesn’t make you a bad person, but if it is messing with your real-life arousal, causing guilt, or creating tension in your relationship, a therapist can help you unpack it without judgment.

Exploring kink, fetish, or non-monogamy

You don’t need to be ashamed of your desires. Whether it’s BDSM, foot stuff, or you’re curious about swinging or polyamory, sex therapy is a place to safely explore those parts of yourself. You figure out what turns you on, how to do it ethically, and how to bring it up without blowing up your relationship.

Sexual and gender identity questions

You don’t need to have it “all figured out.” Maybe you’re questioning if you’re bi, ace, pan, trans, or something else entirely. A sex therapist won’t label you, they’ll help you explore how you feel and what’s true for you.

Healing from trauma

If you’ve experienced sexual abuse, assault, coercion, or even just years of shame and pressure, it changes how you relate to sex. Therapy gives you a space to reclaim safety, autonomy, and eventually pleasure. It’s not fast nor easy but it’s possible.

Body image & sexual confidence

A lot of people feel like they’re not sexy enough. Society is a ‘Simon Cowell’ when it comes to body standards. Sex therapists help you start rewiring those preconceived notions, reconnect with your body, and see pleasure as something you deserve, not some prize for looking a certain way. Plenty of folks also carry sexual guilt from religion or how they were raised and it screws with them years later. Therapy helps untangle all that, too.

It's Not Always About “Fixing” Something

A lot of people go to sex therapy thinking they’ll get a quick fix, like a sexual mechanic. But sometimes, sex isn’t the problem; it’s just the symptom. You might unconsciously be carrying stress, grief, anger, insecurity, or trauma into the bedroom. Some sessions won’t talk about sex at all, and that’s fine.

But remember, sex therapists aren’t wizards. They won’t “make you orgasm” or “fix your partner.” What they will do is hold space while you figure shit out. Therapy may look like talking, digging into old patterns, crying, feeling awkward, or may be a huge relief- that’s how healing works.

How To Find ‘The One’

Look for someone certified by AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists). That means they’ve got legit, specialized training in sex therapy, not just general talk therapy with a side of guesswork.

Check their bio, not just the headshot. Make sure they actually list sexuality, gender, relationships, or trauma as core parts of their work, not something they “also” cover. Look for terms like LGBTQ+ affirming, kink-awareness, sex-positive, trauma-informed, non-monogamy, gender identity, or recovering from sexual trauma.

A good therapist should feel safe, not clinical or judgmental. And yes, credentials matter, but how they show up matters more. You want someone who gets where you’re coming from, not someone who’s going to nod blankly while you talk about things they’ve never even heard of. You’re trusting them with the most intimate parts of your life, so don’t settle for a bad fit.

As for cost, there’s no one-size-fits-all. Some therapists take insurance. Others offer sliding scale rates. It’s not always cheap, but it’s worth asking. Don’t let money shame you out of getting support. Reach out, ask questions, and find what works for you.

Bottom line

Sex therapy isn’t just for crisis mode, it’s for anyone who wants a real connection, less shame, and better sex, whatever that means for you. You don’t have to be broken. You don’t need a diagnosis. You just need to be willing to show up and get honest.

Most of us never learned how to talk about this stuff. Therapy helps you unlearn bad habits, rewrite the script, and actually enjoy sex on your terms. It’s not weird. It’s not desperate. And if you’re even thinking about it?

That’s your sign. Open a tab. Type it in. Start.