So you’re asking yourself, “Should I be jealous of my girlfriend's sex toy?” It’s easy to understand why some people are worried about their partners using sex toys. No human body vibrates, and most batteries last longer than any person can. Plus, dildos can be quite large, making people wonder if they’re enough for their partners. Let’s not forget to talk about the elephant in the bedroom. Often, women buy sex toys that don’t mimic intercourse. Instead, they choose toys that stimulate the clitoris, which we know is key to female orgasm. Sex often can’t stimulate the clitoris enough to get us there due to variations in anatomy. On the surface, it might seem like people would pass up partner sex when they’ve got a toy to do it for them.

Sure, your partner might like dildos a little on the larger side or a strong vibrator, but when you’re having sex, you bring things such as chemistry, dirty talk, and care to the table that makes for a more holistic experience than just using a dildo ever could. And you’ve got fingers, tongue, genitals, and even thighs, all of which can make your partner feel great when used right. Don’t underestimate the power of body heat, the weight of someone on top of you, the pulsing of a cock or pussy when it cums, or listening to someone’s heartbeat, either. A toy could never compete with that! In fact, it’s not a competition. Research shows that even women who don’t need clitoral stimulation to orgasm prefer it during intercourse. One doesn’t necessarily replace the other. They’re simply better together. You don’t necessarily need a sex toy to surround someone in waves of bliss. You just need to make sure you’re paying attention to their sensual spots. Toy intimidation is a big deal if you think you’re only useful between the sheets. That might be true if you’re only casually sleeping together, but most sex happens within a relationship, and this gives you a leg up in and outside of the bedroom. While some toys vibrate or rotate or suck, none are capable of learning more about a person’s desires and likes, ultimately increasing the amount of pleasure that’s possible to give–and receive. As a human? Yeah, you’ve got that on lock. Your partner will never fall in love with a toy but might find themselves head over heels for you.

Not only do good partners and lovers have nothing to fear from their partners using sexy tools in the bedroom, but using them can help everyone have a good time. When you’re open, you invite your partner to express vulnerability and be the same, whether that means breaking out their favorite toy or talking about fantasies. This often leads to opportunities for you to discuss your deepest desires–and potentially live them out.

You don’t have to have the world’s most resilient penis or tongue when you can reach for a vibrator in the nightstand. Most of us would opt for a drill when putting together furniture and prefer machines to washboards. Is it really so different when it comes to the tools that help us have orgasms? Machines and other tools help us do the job quicker and often better. Wouldn’t you want your partner to feel as good as possible? And to be in the room when that’s happening? Amazing! It’s not just about their pleasure, either. Even if you haven’t typically used sex toys yourself, you might be surprised how much you like the feeling of vibrations, restraints, anal beads, or something else. Often, a partner’s sex toys can be the gateway to our own pleasure.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that sex toys can never cause problems. If your partner spends more time with their toys than with you, you have a problem. But it’s not a problem with the toys. It’s a relationship and communication problem. Often, this is related to a lack of respect. Another problem might arise if your partner is so busy using their toy or masturbating that they fail to do basic things like work or contribute to the household. Again, this isn’t the toy’s problem. This is an issue your partner needs to deal with. Sex toys might also seem like an issue if you’re not holding up your end of the relationship, even if it’s just a sexual one. There are jokes aplenty about how women choose their vibrators and cats over men. In reality, people aren’t reaching for toys over people when there are good people around! If you think sex only means intercourse, always ends with ejaculation, and doesn’t need to include both partners’ pleasure, then someone might prefer their dildo to you. But you can fix all of those things. Similarly, if you view your partner or potential partner as someone who is there to make life better for you without doing the same for them, going solo might seem like a better idea to them. People don’t even need a toy to replace a bad partner. Often, their hand will do the trick. Yet, few people are worried that they’ll be left for a hand! At the end of the day, when you bring value to a relationship, you don’t have to worry about how easily you’re replaced at all.

The way you bring up sex toys with your partner will depend on your angle. Do you want to introduce your partner to your sex toy so you can have more frequent and consistent orgasms? Or do you feel intimidated and want to talk about it? Each of these requires a slightly different approach. Showing Your Toys to a Partner If you already have toys you want to use with a partner, you can be bold and ask them if they want to see you get off before grabbing your favorite toy. This works best if you think your partner will be open to toys. If not, you can have a conversation where you explain how it’s often difficult or impossible for you to experience pleasure or have an orgasm without using a toy. It might help if you reassure them that this is about you and not a reflection of them as a lover. Emphasize that you want to try using things together and how it will make things so much easier in the bedroom! Talking About Your Fears If you’re worried about your partner’s toy or even collection, it will take some vulnerability to do so, but opening up can often bring you closer together. You might say that you noticed they really like a certain toy, and while you want them to feel good, you’re a bit worried that they don’t enjoy being sexual with you. You could directly ask for reassurance if you think your partner would be receptive. You can also show your partner that you care about their pleasure–and not just your ego–by asking if there’s anything you can do to make sure they have a good time. You can also ask them to show you how they like a toy to be used if you don’t already use it on them. Then, it can become a couple’s activity. If you’re willing, you can even suggest that you shop for sex toys together. This is a chance to grow closer and to try things such as cock rings that aren’t intended for solo use. It’s harder to feel like a third wheel when you help pick something out! Remember, however, that it’s never right or fair to demand that your partner stop using a toy, whether alone or with you. It’s absolutely not cool to take or throw away their toys, whether they know about it or not. Not only is it their toy, but it’s their body and their choice of what to do with it. While exploring sexuality together can be amazing, you’re not entitled to anyone’s sexuality–and vice versa! It’s absolutely okay not to want to have sex or be in a relationship with someone who wants to control you in that way! It’s a major red flag for anyone to argue otherwise, and you deserve better. Luckily, many people discover how much fun it can be to use toys together or watch a partner use a toy on themself.